When friends ask me about finding a therapist the first distinction I try to make is whether it is for personal self-development, or for treating some kind of perceived condition. By the way, these things are not mutually exclusive. But here's the main reason why I think it's important to distinguish the two:

 It's really hard to go to therapy when you are actually unwell.

If it is for some kind of actual mental health disorder, I tend to suggest practical, physical or pharmacological solutions first, and then therapy when there is more stability or equilibrium. Quite often, when a person is in the midst of mental illness, the insight process is the last thing a person needs to begin with. This is important for choosing a therapist that will help address the actual mental illness - or whether a person should see a psyciatrist for medication first, before starting therapy.

Then I tend to ask, without getting into too much detail (after all, they are my friends) about the kinds of issues they might want to deal with. These typically include: marriage/relationship, children, loneliness, life transitions, tension/stress, anxiety, sadness, disappointment/loss, lack of direction, problems at work. There are many others, but these are probably the most common. Actually, that's an important point; these are really common problems that nearly every person will experience at some point in their life. Wanting to see a therapist is often the most sensible act a person can do in many circumstances. Instead, the stigma of being in therapy makes many individuals feel as if they have failed at living. The point is, that some therapist are better than others for certain kinds of problems. No therapist is good at everything. I did some limited amount of couple counseling during my training, so I would certainly not want to offer my services as an expert in that field or with that kind of problem.

So now I have a sense of what they want to talk about. How do I recommend anyone to them? I have seen a few therapists myself – but only two that really made such a wonderful positive impact on my life. I obviously can recommend them. But they live in London – so what about my other friends in different cities and countries. And anyway, they might not be suitable for everyone.

So here is how I go about this task. I ask myself a series of questions like the ones below. For each one, I'll explain why I think it's important quality to think about.

1)     Do they have a sense of compassion, warmth and love for other human beings?

I think that being human and humane is critical. Very often, people think of therapists as being 'clinical' – meaning aloof, separate and distant. I think that is usually the opposite of what most people need when they go to a therapist. There should be moments of tears and laughter that are shared between you and your therapist.

2)     Is there an insatiable sense of curiosity about other people?

     For me, to have curiosity about another person is to care about that person. I try to be very aware of this whenever I am working with someone. Whenever I start clock watching for the end of the session, and realize that my curiosity has diminished – and that I really need to understand what is causing that and to do something about it.y have a guiding set of principles about the way in which they work?

3)     Do they have a guiding set of principles about the way in which they work?

The point here is not the kind of principles necessarily, but rather that they are guided by something they know and feel deeply, and have great experience with. Most therapists say that they are 'eclectic' – but I don't know what that actually means. I like it when someone has depth of belief about how they do their work. 

4)     Are the flexibly minded and willing to go out of the comfort zones of their frameworks when they need to?

But at the same time, a therapist should not be welded tightly to their principles and beliefs. There are times when a therapist needs to try different ways of doing things. 

5)     Is there more to them than being a therapist? Do they have a wide general knowledge of different things?

This may seem like a strange one – but I am always a bit scared of people who only know about one subject area in their life. I think the more rounded and knowledge-enriched a person is – the wiser they can be. And a therapist needs to try and be wise. 

6)     Is there a sense of humility, an ability to be aware of limitations and fallibilities?

Therapists are not magicians or wizards, and they are not omniscient and omnipotent. This is often what most scares me about many people in the therapy world – that they do not see their limitations and that therapy itself is inherently limited. Not all the problems can be fixed. Most things cannot be changed easily, if at all. Acceptance of the human condition requires humility. 

So these are the questions I ask about myself as a psychologist – each time someone comes to see me, or when a friend asks me for some advice. I am sure that there are many others, but what really stands out as being important to me is the capacity of a therapist for being humane: forgiving, merciful, kind and a desire to alleviate pain.