I was asked to talk about tantrums recently at a parenting workshop. A popular subject. Actually, I think of the two hours, I spent only about 10 minutes talking directly about the causes of tantrums, which is probably the most common and difficult parenting challenge. Most of the discussion was actually a survey of different evidence-based parenting techniques, which could be employed in a variety of challenging situations, including tantrums.

This blog is about the six causes of tantrums that I have identified, because I think that knowing about some of the causes is the first step in planning what to do about them.

 1)      Tiredness

This is probably the most common reason for why a child has a tantrum. Check out how much sleep they've had in the previous 24 hours. Is the tantrum a signal of exhaustion and wanting to sleep – even though the child might insist they want to stay awake?

2)      Hunger

This is another common reason for tantrums – check whether your child has eaten recently. It is possible that their sugar levels are low. Most people become crotchety when they are hungry – and children are no different

3)      Anxiety

I have noticed that fear and anger are often closely related. When a child is anxious or afraid, whether about separation from a parent, social anxiety, or even fear of a specific object, there is a tendency to express it through having a tantrum

4)      Attention

Many children have tantrums because it is a way of getting parents to do what the child wants. In other words, the tantrum behavior is rewarded and reinforced. Here is a basic rule: all children want attention, and some attention is better than none. And while good attention is the best, children will settle for bad attention than none at all. If you're on the telephone having a chat with a friend, then look out for some bad-attention seeking through tantrums.

5)      Emotional expression – not having the words

Tantrums can occur when children are unable to express clearly their needs and wants. Frustration and a lack of patience mean that some children will resort to tantrums as the easiest way of expressing themselves. For many children, tantrums are an inevitable part of developing emotional control – something that the vast majority of us are not born with. Handled smoothly, tantrums are an important way for a child to develop emotional control.

6)      Growing independence and self-agency

For many children, tantrum are a way in which the limits can be tested, and represent the child's desire for control over their environment. This is a natural part of growing independence and sense of being able to be an active and causal force in the world. Tantrums can also be a sign of a power-struggle between parent and child, particularly if there are other siblings involved.

One of the most common things that I have heard parents say to me is that a child is being manipulative, which is often expressed through his or her tantrums.

This is a very adult way of looking at the world. A person who is manipulative  obtains his or her own goals at the expense of other people by using them, usually in an underhand way. Children's behaviors are far too obvious to be truly manipulative. It is usually obvious what the object of the tantrum is. A truly manipulative person is able to manipulate without anyone realizing. This is just not the case for the vast majority of children.

The trick here is think childlike, and not like an adult. The most obvious explanations are the usually the best ones when it comes to children's behavior.